Dread and Frustration

My 6 week postpartum check up is on Tuesday. Why am I dreading it so much? I know that just because Dr. Hott (not his real name, but IT TOTALLY SHOULD BE) says its ok for the Action to commence once again, does not mean that I: 1, have to automatically participate in any Action, or 2, even have to tell the husband that we were given the green light. I don't have a problem fibbing and telling him that that whole '6-week-cease-fire' thing is a sham, that it's actually 16 weeks. And yet, for some reason, I'm dreading Tuesday morning in a way reminiscent of dreading a test I didn't study for in high school. What the heck?

We had a very uneventful weekend here, just the way Greg likes it. I swear, he is one of the laziest people I have ever met! He's got enough good qualities to make up for it, lucky for him. And I like to take it easy as much as the next guy, but MAN. I can only take so much of it before I HAVE to get out before I lose it. I finally convinced him that we needed to go to Target, which we did earlier today. I had some things to return, including a pair of jeans I'd bought that were two sizes bigger than my pre-pregnant size, yet STILL DO NOT FIT ME. I tried on the next size up, and it was even worse; now we had a fit in the waist, but the rest of the pants were HUGE. So I left the fitting room in tears, too fed up to try on anymore.

I literally have NO PANTS that fit my postpartum body. I've been wearing sweats a lot, too often, really, and a Bella Band when I can't justify the sweats. But even the Band is getting on my nerves lately- it is constantly riding up and revealing my underwear and stretch marks and I'm getting sick of it. I had been hoping to find just one pair of pants/jeans that fit me so that I could have something to wear to the going-away lunch for Greg's work this week, but so far it looks like I'll be dining in my yoga pants. The lunch is on Friday and I honestly cannot fathom taking both boys with me to Old Navy or some other such cheap-pant-selling-location while I try on every pair of jeans they have to offer me before then.

And of course, the frustration I'm feeling due to the lack of clothes that fit me has gotten me feeling defeated, which leads to the consumption of way too much junk food. I've been snacking on things like cashews, fruit snacks (Jack isn't so good with the counting yet and hasn't noticed the disappearing packets of Curious George snacks), candy (leftovers from Christmas as well as Valentine's) (really, I bought a bag last week with the intention of giving it to Greg and Jack as part of their Valentine's presents, and it's ALL GONE), and whatever else I can find in the cupboard, in between meals.

Add to that the fact that I have not exercised in months, and there you have the reason I stopped losing any weight when I was only about 7 pounds away from my pre-preg weight. And THEN add in the fact that I only get about 3 to 5 hours of sleep a night, INTERRUPTED sleep, and don't forget the hormones! and what you've got is me: overtired, frustrated, feeling like I'll never ever look like myself again, stressed out, and snappy. I'm yelling at Greg and Jack all the time, and always in a pissed off mood.

I don't remember it being so damn difficult the last time.