A few months ago I wrote about the letter I'd gotten in the mail from my father, that I could not bring myself to open.
I opened the letter a few weeks ago, after letting it sit on top of the microwave (a junk mail haven in our house for some reason) for all that time. Well, actually I had Greg open it. He read it first, then told me that there wasn't anything awful in it and that I'd survive if I read it myself.
It was nothing like I thought it was going to be. He didn't yell at me. He didn't insult me. He didn't talk shit about my mother. He didn't go on and on about what a wonderful person he is and how awful the rest of us are. He didn't bring up any of the past. He didn't try to convince me that he's changed. These things are all his trademarks.
But... he also didn't apologize for anything. I knew he wouldn't. I know not to expect or even hope for that. It seems like a little part of me has been waiting for an apology my entire life, even though I know it's an apology I will never get.
But like I said, he didn't try to pull any of his trademark crap on me. Perhaps it's possible that he has changed. Though I highly doubt that. There is more chance of Jack waking up potty-trained tomorrow than there is of my dad having learned compassion.
Here are the highlights of what he did say in his letter:
-"I've been keeping up on what you've been doing by checking out your blog."
OHMYGOD he reads my other NOT ANONYMOUS blog! I have to pretend that he did not say this, because if I let myself think about that then there is no way I can continue writing there.
-"I also look at the photos that you post of your family [on Flickr]."
Again, can't think about this. It makes me feel... almost violated, I guess, to know that he looks at these photos. We're talking about a guy that, until this letter a few months ago, had not spoken to me in YEARS.
-"I even have a baby photo of Jack on my desk."
Well ALERT THE MEDIA because Grandfather of the Year over here is ready to accept his award! BIG DEAL! So he has a picture of Jack that sits on his desk. So what? I bet he's all "Oh, that's my grandson, Jack- he's 3 and he just loves ____! And he said the funniest thing the other day...", filling in the blanks with information he learned by READING MY OTHER BLOG. He certainly did not learn anything by, you know, getting to know his grandson in real life.
In the final paragraph he asks me if Greg and I would come to his retirement ceremony that is taking place in a few months. It's a big deal, he's retiring from the military, which he was in for 30 years. And I have to say, I surprised myself by actually seriously considering it. I wouldn't have given it a second thought, if I did not have children. But as it is, I'm an adult now, and he's (possibly) matured a little bit, and he technically is their grandfather... who am I to keep my kids from their grandfather? If he has changed, maybe getting to know him could be a good thing for them. Maybe it could even be a good thing for me.
Aw, who am I kidding? He's still the same jerk who caused my family years of depression, abuse and heartache. Why would I invite that back into my life?
That's the argument I've been going through in my head the past couple of weeks. I am literally torn completely down the middle on this one. Luckily, the decision of whether or not to go was made for me, since we already have a trip planned this summer during the time his retirement ceremony is taking place.
I finally filled out my RSVP tonight, saying that we wouldn't be coming, and will put it in the mail tomorrow. I included in the envelope a short note saying that I had considered coming, but that ultimately I can not. I didn't say why. I also said that "whatever there is between you and I, it doesn't change the fact that I have 2 little boys who have never met their grandfather." I said maybe we could try to plan a visit for later in the year. Maybe. And I congratulated him on his 30 years. And that was it.
What I didn't tell him is that I hate him, and that I wish he loved me.
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3 comments:
This whole post, I was nodding/shaking my head, thinking about how difficult a family situation like this can be: what wins out, the fact that they're your family no matter what, or the fact that they're toxic people? Paul has this problem with his dad: Paul's dad is a TOTAL PINEHOLE, but he's also the kids' grandfather, but he also never makes any effort to be in touch with them, but we feel like we should keep things open in case the kids want to build a relationship later, ETC ETC ETC.
But your last sentence is like a diamond of perfect. Punch-to-the-gut perfect.
Yeuchk. Family issues are the worst. While my dad doesn't sound much like yours, I also have pretty much zilch relationship with him. Not because he's an outright ass, but because he makes no attempt. His life is basically sleeping and working. He's seen my oldest son a handful of times in his life.... the last being at his 2 year bday party and at that point it'd been 7 months since he'd seen him.
I'm with Swistle. Your last sentence.... perfection.
Are we sisters? No, I guess not, I hate my mother, but wish she loved me......have you been by my apt?
I would be sooooo sick if I found out she was reading my other blog, and I actually made my entire flickr account private except to people that I approve to view my photos, to protect myself from her viewing them. She doesn't have the RIGHT, to get to see my children grow up or to print off any of their pictures and display them like she is a part of their life. She had that opportunity and threw it away.
I'm sorry anytime I come across another who is estranged from a parent. I know that pain that you feel, and I am sorry.
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