So I don't mean to go on and on and ON AND ON about my neighbors- for the most part, they're not even people that I like, so why do I seem to talk about them so much lately? I don't know. But, indulge me. Because now I need some advice.
I am friends with one of my neighbors, quickly becoming better friends every time we hang out. She is very sweet, and always offering to help in any way she can, she's the same age as me, and we both have 3 year old boys. Her husband has been deployed overseas in Iraq since November of last year so she has essentially been a single mom for the past 7 months. She has had one break since then, when her parents came to visit for a week. Other than that, she's been dealing with her child on her own for quite awhile now.
And her child--we'll call him William-- is not exactly well-behaved. He can be really sweet sometimes. But most kids can. Other times, he's basically a brat. He talks back to his mother, he SCREAMS bloody murder whenever she tells him 'no', he throws a fit at the drop of a hat. And my neighbor--Jane-- has pretty much had it. When we talked a few days ago, she admitted to me that she felt "like a failure." She's so tired of dealing with Will all on her own that she admits she gives in more easily than she should because she is just so exhausted from being the only parent. She feels guilty for this, but also just feels kind of like she's at the end of her rope.
And I really feel for her, because if not for a few random things working out just right, I could sooo easily be in her shoes right now. I don't even want to think about what kind of state I'd be in if I'd been at it myself for 7 months without a break, and with two kids.
So. Here's my problem: The horrible behavior of Jane's son is COMPLETELY and TOTALLY rubbing off on my kid. To the point that I've asked him why he's acting in such and such a way, and his answer is "Dat's what Will does/says." He has literally taken little trademark things that William will do- growling at his mother when she disciplines him, for example- and copied them.
And it isn't limited just to the bad behavior. William, despite being almost 3 and a half years old, doesn't talk. Well, this is not true; he talks, just not in any words that another human can understand. A typical sentence for him sounds like, "Zibba zibba zibba, yeah, on da zibba zibba." ? I have heard him say words before- hi, mommy, frog, airplane, etc.- but he, for whatever reason, can't put these words together and speak in sentences.
And wouldn't you know it, shortly after he started hanging out with him, Jack started speaking the same mumbo jumbo nonsense. I don't tolerate it; if he speaks that way to me, I firmly inform him that I can't understand what he's saying, and that I'll help him when he uses words to tell me what he wants. So far that has worked, he has always given up the baby talk as soon as I tell him that. But the discipline problems... I don't know.
I love Jane- I think she's great, and I'm glad to be becoming friends with her. And I love William too, he's a cute kid, and like I said, he can be a real sweetheart. I'm not about to stop hanging out with her so that my kid doesn't misbehave. And besides, he's already started copying the misbehaviors; not allowing him to play with William anymore wouldn't make him all of a sudden stop misbehaving.
Am I in a lose-lose situation? Is there ANYTHING I can do here?
2 comments:
We had regular contact for awhile with a child who didn't behave the way I wanted my children behaving. I'm a little nervous suddenly about saying how I handled it, because....Well, what I did was after the child would go home, I'd say to my kids in this eyes-wide voice, "Did you see how Child talked to his MOTHER? Oh my goodness! Do we do that in OUR family? No indeed!"---like that. And that seems, um, a little iffy. But it worked: my kids were kind of thrilled by the talk of "naughty behavior," and then they'd exchange wide-eyed looks with each other whenever the child behaved that way the next time. And so it actually ended up reinforcing our family rules.
Does your son do these things to you while he's playing with the other boy? That would be a chance to say in front of that boy "We do not act like that & if you can't behave we'll go home & you can can go ____ (something horridly unfun, like napping)"
I know this sounds backward - but is there anyway you could keep other kiddo for a few hours & give mom a break ~ if he acts like that in your house then he gets the same "We don't do that & if you can't stop you'll have to go home" speach. & The "use your words like a big boy" one too! It could be a refresher course for him & a break for his mom maybe.
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